2nd Star to the Right :: Neverland. I think I want to live there.

Be forewarned, this post contains a rant. Gimme a break. It's Friday.

I'm short - there's not really any other way to put it. I have yet to reach five feet tall and it's been that way since about sixth grade.

Because of this lack of height thing, I sometimes have to compensate in areas where taller people are more comfortable. Like at my desk, for example, if I want to sit at my desk to type comfortably, I have to raise my chair up a bit. But when I do this, my feet no longer touch the floor. So when I'm working at my desk, I sit cross-legged. I kick my shoes off so I don't my pants all crapped up and I sit cross-legged.

Give me a little credit here - I don't walk around the office bare-foot or forget to put my shoes back on when it's appropriate. But for some odd reason, my boss felt like he needed to tell me to wear my shoes when I leave my desk today. He came in to see me early this morning and found me sitting cross-legged, like usual, in my chair. His eyes got real wide like he's never seen me do it before. And reminded me not to forget my shoes when I leave my desk. Like I'm eight years old or something.

Growl. First of all, how does one forget to wear shoes? I've never forgotten to wear shoes. Sometimes I opt not to wear any, but I have never forgotten to wear them. Second, bugger off.

10:38 AM | allison | # |

I'm feeling a bit anxious and hesitant today. I made a decision recently, one that I know I need to stick with and one that I know is going to hurt for a while. I'm second-guessing myself already. I'm pretty sure the doubt is my way of dealing with the loneliness and apprehension. But what if it's not? What if I'm wrong?

2:39 PM | allison | # |

I've been having a hard time concentrating today. Partly because it's the first day back in the office after three glorious days not in the office. And partly because I've been thinking a lot about a person in my life I'm not so sure I want to keep in my life. I've been thinking a lot about the future and I don't see M there.

I've known M since I lived in Columbia, which seems like ages and ages ago. At first, our relationship was kind of a casual thing. We'd see each other once in a while, always enjoy each other's company and basically just have a good time when we were together. When I moved to Houston, our relationship moved to the next level. We trusted each other a bit more, spent more time together and grew closer.

The only word I can find that even comes close to describing our relationship is intense. But the closer we got, the more intense it became, the more we disagreed. The more we disagreed, the more we fought. M is incredibly smart and I always felt a little disadvantage when we argued; what I wanted to say never came out quite right. I remember one huge event in particular that prompted me to decide that I needed a little breather. I needed time away from that relationship and away from M. It was destructive and I was suffering becasue of it.

And so we took a break. I don't remember how long it was but we started talking and spending time together again. It was good at first. We laughed and had fun. But we fought too. And this time around when we fought, it was to hurt. I'm not sure how or when that started, but it did. Neither of us can go back and change what was said or done. We both have to live with that. We both have to learn from it. Then we took another break. In order to salvage what relationship was left, we needed another break away from each other. It was just too intense.

Not long before Christmas, we found each other again. We picked right back up where we seemed to have left off. We laugh and we cry. We love and we hate. And then I moved to Chicago. I thought putting some geographical distance between us might make things a little more easy on both of us. But it hasn't, not really. We still argue. And apologize. And argue again. And again.

I know that relationships of any kind take patience and nurturing and kindness. But I'm tired. I'm tired of the constant ups and downs. I'm tired of feeling like M is not listening to me. I'm tired of fighting all the time. I'm tired of feeling like all I do is give and all M does is take. Most of all, I'm tired of having to find myself again after M. I shouldn't have to lose part of myself to make M happy. I shouldn't. I won't.

I think it's time for another break. I think this time, it will be for good.

2:26 PM | allison | # |

Just for clarification, Portugal is due East of Long Island, New York.

Not Spain. Where, incidentally, the speak Spanish. Or so I'm told.

8:59 AM | allison | # |

Note to self: Cute black shirt and powdered sugar Munchkins are not a good look.

9:01 AM | allison | # |

So, my company has its own online classified section as part of the internal intranet. I often check it out, not really to buy anything, but I get a small kick out of seeing what other people are selling. It's kind of telling about the kind of person they are, you know? Kinda like going through the trash. Or so I've heard. I've never really done that. Really.

I've seen all sorts of stuff sold on there, cars, shoes, rings, even a wedding dress for a wedding that didn't happen. But this morning, I saw this:

Turns out, the lady is selling a SOUP pot. It's white with flowers and has Soup's On! written on the front. She's including the lid and ladle, all for the low, low price of $5.00. Evidently, it's a great pot for serving when you have guests.

I'm not really sure about that last part though. I guess I'll just have to take her word for it.

UPDATE: The pot is no longer for sale. I'm not sure if she sold it or the Powers That Be removed the ad because of the alleged inappropriate content. Either way, whoever ends up the owner of that pot is a lucky person.

9:02 AM | allison | # |

Ok, so remember when I said I was totally digging David Caruso?

Yeah.

I still am. And CBS renewed CSI:Miami for another season. Yeah, baby.

Someone please help me.

8:43 AM | allison | # |

First of all, thanks to everyone who voiced their concern for my mom. I spent the weekend at home and she's doing much, much better. She's walking around on her own and she goes long periods without the blurriness or double-vision. I'll call later this morning to check-in, but we're pretty comfortable leaving her on her own for a while during the day. Even though she's doing so much better, it was still hard to watch her move slowly and deliberately, like a young child gaining full control of their limbs.

I'm not ready yet, to deal with the fact that my parents are aging and all the sadness and anger and other emotions that go with it. I guess I assumed that there would be some warning sign or some event that said to me, "Hey. You know what? Your folks are getting older. You're gonna have to get ready for the stuff ahead."

I have a sneaking suspicion there isn't going to be a sign or event giving me a little head's up. Its going to happen whether I'm ready or not. And while I really, really don't like that, I think I'm ok with it. It's just a part of life, you know?

8:55 AM | allison | # |

Obviously, I've been thinking a lot lately about my parents and dealing with the reality that they won't be around forever. Last night, I was thinking about things my parents have said and stuck with me.

Once, after a particularly horrible day, my dad told me to suck it up because, "some days you're the statue and some days you're the pigeon."

He was right. Some days I do get to be the pigeon, but most of this week hasn't been that good. But it hasn't really been that bad, in the grand scheme of things sort of view. So I decided that maybe this week, I'm the statue, with an umbrella.

10:21 AM | allison | # |

Yesterday was my wake-up call. While my mom is already on her way to a full recovery, it really hit me hard: my parents won't be around forever. Everyone already knows that, but it's an issue no one really talks about. It's an easy thing brush off and not think about, especially when you're young.

I watched both my mom and dad lose their parents and I know it's something that my brother and I won't be able to avoid. It happens. And it scares me.

It scares me because I haven't had time yet to hear all their stories or learn from their mistakes. I haven't gotten to record their laughter or watch them while they're sleeping. I haven't gotten married so my dad could walk me down the aisle or had any children so my mom can laugh when I call because I'm not sure what to do. I haven't gotten to see them retire and work for the pleasure of it, not because they have to.

It scares me because there is so much I want to say and haven't. Because there is so much I want to do and haven't had time. Because I know there is so much more to feel and say and do and think and want and have.

1:18 PM | allison | # |

This morning, I got a phone call from my dad. He took my mom to the hospital yesterday afternoon. I knew, eventually, I'd get one of those calls. One of those calls from one of my parents saying they took the other to the hospital.

I thought I was too young to get one of those calls. I thought my parents were too young to make one of those calls.

Yesterday she had a CAT scan that came out clean. This afternoon she's scheduled to have an MRI.

I'm at work but I just want to go home and cry.

11:10 AM | allison | # |

Like many people, I'm spending part of the weekend with my mom. It is Mother's Day after all. But really, I'd probably spend the weekend or at least part of it with her anyway. An amazing thing happened as I grew up - we became friends. A while back, she sent me an email and I've been holding on to it so I could post the contents here. It's something most women have gotten in their inbox at one time or another, but it just seems especially apropos right now.

A woman should have...
one old love she can imagine going back to...and one who reminds her how far she has come
enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own even if she never wants to or needs to.
something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour.
a youth she's content to leave behind.
a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age.
a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra.
one friend who always makes her laugh and one who lets her cry.
a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family.
eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored.
a feeling of control over her destiny.

A woman should know...
how to fall in love without losing herself.
how to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.
when to try harder and when to walk away.
that she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents.
that her childhood may not have been perfect, but it's over.
what she would and wouldn't do for love or more.
how to live alone even if she doesn't like it.
whom she can trust, whom she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally.
where to go, be it to her best friend's kitchen table or a charming inn in the woods, when her soul needs soothing.
what she can and can't accomplish in a day, a month and a year.

While I haven't learned it all yet, I'm well on my way. And I couldn't have done it without my mom.

8:47 AM | allison | # |

My week so far in bullet points:

Last night my dad was hunting a racoon with a Super Soaker.

My mom thinks that her new temp job is like working in a white-collar sweatshop.

My brother is an iron-on t-shirt artist.

Asthma sucks.

Manicures and pedicures do not.

I'm toying with the idea of getting my hair cut like hers.

I'm more fond of my vehicle than I originally thought. We're finally hitting our groove.

I'm knitting a cute little hat to match my scarf. Yes, I do know that it's May.

I totally called the outcome of last night's American Idol and the plot of The West Wing.

PTO on Monday is totally rocking my socks right now.

I really wish it were Monday right now.

10:35 AM | allison | # |

How is it that the guy sitting across the aisle on the train this morning was snoring so loudly he woke me up, but not himself?

8:29 AM | allison | # |

This past weekend I got to talk to a friend who I haven't seen in years. We went to high school together and she's one of the few people in my life who I can pick up with again right away, no matter how much time has passed. She's an incredible human being and I wish that I had been a better friend while I was living so far away. She was a three-sport athelete, President of the Studen Council, a member of the Honor Society and Prom Queen. She was one of the people who was able to hang with the "popular" girls and still had cred with the rest of us. She smoked and laughed loudly. At my graduation party, she knocked a guy twice her size flat on his ass and scored a point during our Ultimate Frisbee game. She drove a tank named Pete that she drove too fast and always scared and thrilled me at the same time. And I know there was a ton of other things she did in college that I didn't get to be a part of.

We've both changed and grown up a lot; and we did it apart. With the friends I went to college with, we were changing and growing and becoming ourselves together, if that makes any sense. What we were going through, we did together. With my friend from high school, we did all that changing and growing at different schools, in different states and with different people. We had similar experiences, but also very different ones.

But for some reason, with her, it doesn't matter. We can still talk for hours, laugh until our stomachs hurt and just know what the other is thinking. It's something I hadn't realized I missed until this weekend when I was thrown back into it again. I'm hoping this time around I'll be a better friend and able to share more of her incredible life.

4:45 PM | allison | # |

Oh man. Look at the time. I just walked in the door and got handed three projects that are all due Monday.

I need a nap already.

8:13 AM | allison | # |