2nd Star to the Right :: Neverland. I think I want to live there.

I saw the best billboard ever this morning. Advertising the low prices of a local jewelry store, the picture showed brilliant diamond rings.

The copy reads: More bling bling for less ching ching.

9:21 AM | allison | # |

Today, I believe, is going to be one of those character building days my dad talked about. Why do I think this you might ask?

Well, because

I found ants in the kitchen this morning

the zipper on my bag broke

it was raining sideways at the trainstop this morning

I am currently a walking ball of static electricity

and work, while a more pleasant temperature than usual, has the potential to thouroughly kick my ass today.

So, if I'm a bit harried or curt, I apoligize in advance. I'm character building today.

This should be fun.

9:56 AM | allison | # |

OMG, is it time to go home yet?

3:20 PM | allison | # |

I wish it would hurry up and be Halloween so I stop eating all the candy I bought for the trick-or-treaters.

9:04 AM | allison | # |

I'm wearing my glasses today. Which is something I rarely do, except during the short time (read: the walk from the bathroom to my bedroom) at night after I take out my contacts and before I slip into bed.

But this morning, my eyes were so bloodshot and squinty, I think they would have staged some sort of revolt (read: tearing, gnawing and thrashing my contacts to shreds) had I attempted to stick my finger in my eye and put in those tiny corrective lenses.

So, I'm just going to sit in my cube and be quiet today. The high-index, cute new frames thing doesn't hide the fact that I am in fact nearly blind and the owner of coke-bottle lenses.

8:18 AM | allison | # |

This past weekend, I got to see myself and my family through a friend's eyes. We took the drive out to my hometown, to attend a local dinner theatre. My dad was performing. It was one of those murder mystery shows where the audience has to figure out who the killer is. Turns out, I'm an excellent detective, or a really good guesser. Colonel Mustard did it, in the library, with the lead pipe. Or something like that.

I took a friend with me, one who has met my family before, but only briefly. And she's a new friend too. We've known each other less than a year, but I feel like we've known each other a lot longer than that.

I watchted her this weekend, watching my family together. We're a fairly rowdy bunch, swearing and laughing, not taking ourselves or anyone else too seriously. She was smiling nearly the whole time she watched us, her eyes going back and forth from person to person as we talked over each other, playfully insulted each other and sang along with the poor man trying to make a buck at the microphone. I believe my brother's exact words were, "Eat your heart out, Billy Ray!"

As I watched her watching us, I realized how lucky I am to be a part of such a close group. And I wondered if she saw what I did. I have my own friends as do my parents and my brother. But at the end of the day, those three people are my core. They're who I turn to when I'm at my lowest and my highest. They've seen me hurting so much I cry; they've also seen me laugh so hard I'm reduced to tears.

I feel especially thankful today that I am a part of their lives and that they are part of mine.

8:39 AM | allison | # |

Recently, my mom and I were talking about what I'd like to here on out be called the Great Car Debacle of 2003. It's not really great or a debacle, but it makes it sound important and devestating and it way, it was both important and devestating to me. So that's what I'm going to call it.

We were discussing why I felt so let down about not getting the car. A lot of it had to do with expectations I'd set for myself. Expectations that were wholly unrealistic or were set when I was nine and had my whole life still ahead of me.

Since the Great Car Debacle of of 2003, I've been thinking a lot about what is important to me and what isn't. I actually sat down and made a list of things I have to be happy about and I've put it in my wallet along with the list of things I want to do before I die.

Mom asked me if I had put any of the list up on my blog, but I hadn't, and I'm not yet sure that I will. The list I made turned out to be highly personal, more than I expected going into it. I did just an exercise to get my mind of the Great Car Debacle of 2003. But it turned out to be much more than that.

When I sat down this afternoon to transfer the list to my blog, I began to wonder if I'd be crossing a line that I couldn't cross back over. Would I be sharing too much? Or is that even possible? I read blogs of people I don't know. Some of them have incredibly personal information. Others, not so much. I admire the ones that can be that open.

I'm afraid that once I cross that line, I won't be able to go back. I think that until I'm ready to cross that line and open up, really open up, I'm going to keep the list to myself. I hope you'll understand.

2:21 PM | allison | # |

Another list, because my fingers are too freakin' cold to type right now:

minutes stood in rain because the train was late: 17

times my umbrella turned itself inside out because its so freaking windy: 3

toes accidentally stepped on because I couldn't see through the pouring rain: 2

socks completely soaked and now freezing my toes: 2

raincoats soaked and now dripping in the corner of my cube: 1

actual minutes late to work because of weather delayed transportation: 38

temptations of steamy, warm hot-chocolate from the Starbucks downstairs: 2

times I thought about calling it a day and crawling back into bed: thousands

9:17 AM | allison | # |

I'm having trouble forming complete thoughts today. It's making work more challenging than usual. Therefore, you get A Weekend in Bullet Points.

Good Fajitas, great movie and excellent company.

Clean house and another movie

Pisser mood.

Perfect PERFECT autumn afternoon.

End pisser mood.

4:37 PM | allison | # |

A couple of weeks ago I was searching for something worthwhile to watch on television. It was too late for primetime and too early for the late night talk shows. As I was flipping, I came across a show where people were running up a hill and large Indiana Jones-esq boulders come rolling down at them. And of course, the big foamish boulders knock them down.

And it made me laugh.

I've also seen one where the folks wear funny little white jumpsuits and wings as the swing on a rope from a small cliff and try to stick themselves onto a giant spider web. Most of them don't make it and end up in an extra large mud puddle.

This one made me laugh even harder. There are others too, but are a little difficult to explain, so just trust me on this.

After a little searching, I found out this show is just a bunch of clips taken from a real Japanese game show Takeshi's Castle. On the gameshow, it starts with 100 folks who do the stupid/hilarious stunts until they only have a few people left. Then those people try to take over Takeshi's Castle. Only we don't get to see that part. The only part we see is the funny attempts these folks make at getting to the next round.

I'm a little embarassed that I enjoy this show as much as I do. Ever since that night I first discovered the show, I flip channels during my regularly scheduled programming, just to see if it's on. I've only told my brother about this fun little show and he thinks I'm nuts.

If you'd like to join my little guilty pleasure, show name and channel are here.

11:30 AM | allison | # |

My seatmate on the train this morning decided it would be a good idea to pick his nose and wipe it on the shredded kleenex he kept pulling from his coat pocket.

I think it's going to be one of those days.

9:26 AM | allison | # |

I stopped by the dealership last night after work to talk about payments and interest rates and service plans and financing.

They ran a credit check. They ran a set of numbers. And then another. The sales guy and his manager wooed me with rebates and high trade-in values.

I looked at that paper they set in front of me. I picked up the pen and fiddled with it while I did the math in my head. Then I looked again at the big number of how much I'd be financing and I began to shake a little. The sales guy and his manager were sitting across the desk, waiting.

When I put the pen down, I told the sales guy that I wanted to sleep on it overnight. He said what can we do to sell you this car? I told him that if he knew me, he'd know that I rarely make big decisions quickly. I think and overthink and then let them sit for a few days.

He said the car might not be there if I waited too long. Bad form, I thought. But he's just trying to make a living. I can't blame him.

I called my mom on the way home. I was still shaking a little. She said she was proud that I hadn't signed it yet, that I walked away to think about it one more time. But that if this is really what I wanted, I could call them in the morning and ask them to hold the car for me until after work. She was on her way out the door, but would keep her cell phone on if I wanted to call again.

I called my mom again. She was still on the driveway. I asked her what she would do in my position. She said she'd go home, run the numbers one more time and then sleep on it.

So I did. I went home and I ran the numbers one more time. And I then I called my mom and left her a message saying I had talked myself into a new car.

But when dad called during CSI: Miami, I had talked myself out of it again. I could make the car payment every month and probably not have to worry about any of the other bills. But I would have a lot less to live on.

A lot less. I'd have a third of what I do now. That means no more dinner and movies with my brother. No more wool yarn for my knitting projects. No more make-up and candles. No more treating myself to dinner out. No more new, cuter, smaller clothes. My dad's birthday is coming up. Christmas is coming up. I wanted to go to Europe next spring with a friend. All of that is extra. And I don't want to give it up. I shouldn't have to give it up. Not for a car.

So, there isn't going to be a new car in my future any time soon. And probably not a newtome car either, because I want the warranty and security a newnew car has. I was disappointed and then angry and then disappointed again.

This morning, I'm still a little disappointed but the anger is gone. Strangely, the disappointment is a little comforting. I've been disappointed or let down a lot lately, mostly by myself, so that's not anything new.

One good thing did come out of this. I found out I have an excellent credit rating. So, I've got that going for me. Which is nice.

9:37 AM | allison | # |

I slept a lot this weekend. A lot. Nearly a whole day's worth of sleep on Friday and Saturday nights. Do you know why? I'm stress sleeping. When I get stressed out, I eat and I sleep. When I was little and my parents would go out, the first thing I did when the babysitter arrived was go to bed. It was my way of dealing with the unfamiliar territory.

I find myself in unfamiliar territory again. Not only am I struggling with my life's direction, but I am about to make one of the largest financial decisions in my life. I'm about to (hopefully) buy a car. And not a newtome car like I had planned, but an honest to god brand new car. New car smell and everything.

In order to purchase this new car, I have to make some lifestyle changes. I've got to rid of my premium cable channels and I'm transitioning from a landline and cell to just a cell. I'm going to have to start watching my pennies spend more time in the bank than in places like this and this.

I've crunched the numbers backwards and forwards and back again. I've made all the necessary changes so I can afford this new car.

Now all I need is for the sales guy to have a little pity and meet me part way. Think some happy thoughts for me, would you please?

11:12 AM | allison | # |

Some days I miss old friends and loved ones so much it actually makes me ache.

11:15 AM | allison | # |

When I was younger I used to daydream about what my life would be like when I was in my twenties. I was going to be married to a man that looked like Luke Duke, have a burgeoning career as a trial lawyer and drive a sporty little car with enough room for my two kids. One boy, one girl. Lucas and Roxanne.

Now that I'm in my twenties and I look back, I wonder what happened to those dreams. When did they change? Or maybe they haven't changed, I've just settled for something else. I mean, Luke Duke still looks pretty good; I'd sit for the LSAT if I could afford the KapTest class and the sporty little car with room for Lucas and Roxanne still seems plausible.

Sometimes I do feel like I've settled for a life less extraordinary than I imagined in my childhood. Maybe that's what bugs me - that I feel like I've settled for something instead of being happy with what I've got.

And then I think about what I do have. I'm surrounded by family and good friends, but have yet to find my Luke Duke. I've got a job that pays fairly but is highly unsatisfying. I've got a car that has plenty of room for passengers but has fits that cause me to fork over ungodly amounts of money to mechanics.

I'm not happy with what I've got. I keep asking myself, is this what I really want? And if it is, where the hell did my ambition to get all that go? When did I stop aiming for the corner office and the 2.3 kids and the white picket fence?

But is the smooth laywer deal, kids and a man that climbs into cars through the window what I really want? Or is that just an ideal that I picked up from someone else?

2:31 PM | allison | # |