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Tuesday, August 31 The wedding was a smashing success. I mean, no one died, there were relatively few freak-outs and the bridal party was introduced at the reception to Welcome to the Jungle. You gotta love Axl Rose. The bride was beautiful. She looked like a princess, tiara included. I was going to post a picture of her, but its really her day to share, not mine. Instead, I've got other pictures. This is my table, minus the three single people we didn't know. One of them was from Yorkville. That means nothing to most people, but when you come from a small town and you find someone else from a small town close to your small town, you bond a little. 
I think its kind of funny that everyone in the picture has a drink in their hand. Except for me. I was saving my serious boozing for the casino. It was quite a party, my friends. Quite a party. 10:34 PM | allison | # | Technically, this was post-ceremony and pre-reception. Welcome to My Place. An empty, non air-conditioned, serving beer in the cans kind of place. And obviously, very popular. At one point, it was the six of us and the lady pouring the drinks. Or, in this case, popping the tops of the cans. 
My Place, where you can buy beef jerky in the vending machine and can't touch the television or the phone. 10:33 PM | allison | # | This was a favorite of all the hand-lettered signs in My Place. Except maybe the one that told you to keep your hands off the television. And not to answer the pay phone. Or the people they're not going to serve. 
The Bobbit Rule. They take shit seriously in My Place. Carl almost lost his hand trying to answer the pay phone. 10:31 PM | allison | # | Saturday, August 28 Tomorrow, friends of mine are getting married. Just a few things are left to be done in the morning; for the most part, they've done everything except say "I do." Tomorrow they begin the next stage of their life together. I'm fairly certain theirs is the kind of love that lasts. A couple of years ago, another friend got married. We aren't in contact anymore, but I often wonder how married life is treating her. At the time, it seemed she was about to begin the life she had dreamed of: a small ceremony on a beach, a successful husband, a job as an elementary school teacher and life in suburbia. Other friends have significant others or are part of long-term relationships. I watch them together when we're out or getting together at someone's home and I smile. It seems that most of my friends are headed in that direction. We're getting older, settling down and looking for something more than going out with the girls can offer. I've been in that space for a while. That period in my life when I'm ready to share and committ and be with someone for more than just a little while. And when I watch my friends find that one person that helps complete them, or nourishes them in a way that they hadn't been nourished before, I ache a little. I want that too. I was seeing someone recently. He's funny and intelligent and articulate. He opened doors and held out my chair and when we walked on the sidewalk, he would always walk on the side closest to the street. He called me after rerhearsals to talk to me on my drive home so that I wouldn't get lonely or sleepy. After our first date, I wondered where it would go. I couldn't help it. I wondered if he was the one. The one that I would share having a family and a home and a life. I'd love to think that that is something you know right away after meeting someone, but I'm much to practical to let myself believe that. But that didn't stop me from thinking about where we might be headed together. And then he stopped calling. I left a couple of messages and figured there was a reason he wasn't calling me back. At first, I wasn't that upset. We hadn't known each other that long. And our last couple of conversations had felt a little forced. But now, on the eve of a wedding that isn't my own, I'm feeling a little low and vulnerable. Wondering why he stopped calling. Wondering what it was that didn't make us click. Knowing I'm going to watch someone else be the bride and begin the next part of her life. Knowing I'm not even a little bit close to that. Knowing that after the ceremony and the celebration, I'll go home alone at the end of the night. 10:25 PM | allison | # | Thursday, August 26 Yesterday on NPR, I heard a piece about Robert Linn, a man who was, at age 95, in the middle of his fifteenth consecutive term as mayor in a small town in Pennsylvania. The reporter was talking with the town's chief of police who not only became good friends with the mayor during his tenure, but had also made it part of his daily routine to pick the mayor up in the morning and drop him off at home again at the end of the day. You could hear the loss and respect in the police chief's voice. He's obviously lost someone that meant a great deal to him. He relayed a lesson that he learned from Linn, something that I can only paraphrase: You can think anything you want. But once you say something, it can't be taken back. There is a certain amount of truth to that and it's obviously affected me in some way because I'm still thinking about it. But I'm not quite sure what to make of it quite yet. 1:28 PM | allison | # | Tuesday, August 24 Today is cool and rainy. Not jacket cold, but nearly. It's the kind of weather that makes you want to turn the alarm off and crawl back into bed for another couple of hours. The kind of weather that makes curling up on the couch with a good book and a steamy drink an absolutely perfect way to spend the afternoon. The conductor on my train remembered me this morning. It's nice to be noticed by strangers sometimes. My brother got himself an X-Box for his birthday. I can't hit to save my life and I'm not a very good driver either. And my thumbs still hurt. One of the cast members in our upcoming show dropped out yesterday and rehearsal got canceled. I was more disappointed about rehearsal being canceled than the guy dropping out because I'm off-book and I wanted to show off. I totally bought the Real Genius DVD on Saturday. I heart Val Kilmer. And the guy who looks a lot like Sarah Jessica Parker circa Square Pegs. Only without the long hair. I'm wearing my pink flamingo socks today. Fantasy football starts on Monday. Last year, a friend and I played for the first time. And we came in second place. We want to win this year. Go Nachos! 8:50 AM | allison | # | Monday, August 23 I've been fighting an on-going battle with my company's internal payroll department. They haven't been neglecting to pay me or screwing up my pay checks; instead, they're harassming me into signing up for an electronic form of receiving my direct deposit paystub. At first, I didn't sign up because I forgot. And then, once reminded about signing up, I declined. It's very luddite of me I know, but I like getting that piece of paper in my hand every two weeks that says there is more money in my bank account than there was before. Now, however, I've moved passed all that. Now its become a battle of wills. I'm not signing up purely because they keep harassing me about it. I'm not doing it because I can. I was out of the office when we got paid last Friday. This morning when I arrived, I had a nice letter waiting for me along with my paystub. It reads: Dear COMPANY Employee*: Keep hoping. I'm holding out until I'm the last mother-fucking one. And then, I'm still not going to sign up. * Names have been changed to protect the innoc.... Hell, who am I kidding? 9:25 AM | allison | # | Wednesday, August 18 After my little breakdown on Monday, I thought I'd be ok going back to work on Tuesday. It turns out, not so much. I hate this place a little more every day. Every fucking day. 8:52 AM | allison | # | Monday, August 16 I have the best friends in the world. Words of encouragement help the soul every now and then. Especially when you've just gotten back from crying in the bathroom. 3:03 PM | allison | # | Remember when I didn't get that recruiting job? Yeah. That sucked. The result of that was a Career Path Development meeting, which was supposed to yield a Career Path Development Plan. The actual yield of that meeting were post-poned and never rescheduled follow-up meetings to answer a couple of questions I had, and multiple un-returned emails and voicemails from me to two managers about what I could do to make the next steps happen. Since I wasn't getting any help from them, I took it upon myself to find out the answer to my questions, the most important being what is I need to do to achieve "senior" status in my current position? So I asked one of the senior status holders of my position. She's out in San Francisco and extremely friendly and helpful. She sent me a copy of her job description so I could compare it to what I actually do.* It turns out, we do the same things. We both write job descriptions and handbooks. We both research wage and salary information and write and administer PTO policies. We both prepare training materials and do sucky HR paperwork that has to be done. Super! I do the same things the senior person in my position does. And I'm actually senior to her in terms of years working here. I'll be a shoo-in for sure! You can probably guess the ending to that one, huh? Armed with this new information and the back-up of some of the HR ladies I work for, I laid it out for my manager. He told me he needed to talk to his manager. Fine. Whatever. Long story short, ** I needed to be patient a while longer. My manager and his co-managers and their collective manager would be heading to Texas soon to meet with other managers to do a large job description/responsibilties/etc. etc. overhaul. I should just wait until they get back from this very important meeting. When they got back from the very important meeting, they sat down with everyone to discuss what had been talked about, changes that were being made and all that jazz. They sat down with everyone but me. Because they discussed everyone's job except mine. . . . I found out this morning that they gave senior status to a co-worker. . . . Days that start like today make me glad that I don't own a handgun. *I decided to compare it to the job duties I actually perform instead of the responsibilities listed on my job description because the most important of the duties on my current job description include things like filing and making copies and I do way more than that. Although my copy finger is the quickest one in the office. And also, I seem to be the only one who knows how to load paper correctly. ** I know. It's too late for that now. 10:47 AM | allison | # | Saturday, August 14 Normally, I hate waking up before my alarm. Except on days when my alarm looks like this: 
And the skies look like this: 11:32 AM | allison | # | 
Blue skies and lazy days. I love the summer. 11:31 AM | allison | # | Thursday, August 12 For my friend, R, an Ode to Outback Jack. Tall and tan, eyes dark and blue. It's a shame that your show is over, And we have to say hooroo. She'll be apples, as you would say. Our time has passed all quick smart. Perhaps our paths with cross again some day. Lets you and I have a chin wag, dear cobber. I'll be fair dinkum with you - Unlike some, I'm not a knocker. It's time to shoot through; here's hoping you'll be back. That Natalie is a lucky girl. You're quite a bloke, my Outback Jack. You may think I'm an ocker, but pig's arse to you! 9:26 AM | allison | # | Tuesday, August 10 I always have the news on in the morning while I'm getting ready for work. I tend to watch the local news instead of something like CNN or MSNBC. I can only take so much blood and horror that early in the morning. Today, they did a story about a reported link between your job and the tendency towards Alzheimer's Disease later in life. The study revealed that those who do complex thinking at work have a less of a chance of developing Alzheimer's than those who do very little thinking at their job on a day-to-day basis. If that's true, I'll have Alzheimer's by the time I'm thirty. I do the same thing over and over, day after day. It's slowly driving me insane. I've been patient with the Powers That Be. When asked, I've been vocal about the low morale and the causes of it. Hell, I've been vocal even when I wasn't asked. It's been nearly four years and I'm tired of waiting. I've applied and interviewed and been told I need more experience. When I ask and volunteer for opportunities that would bring me more experience, I get put off or ignored. I've tried to sit down with my managers and the Powers That Be and do career-pathing and set goals. They always seem to have other meetings that are more important. This place is breaking me. I'm trying to change my situation, but the wheels are turning slowly. I'm looking for more creative, more challenging opportunities, but they seem to be few and far between. I won't stop looking and listening, though. I can't stop. I won't let myself. My friends and family have stopped asking me how my days was because the answer is always the same. My only good days at work are ones when I'm paid not to be here. Some days, I want to throw the towel in and just go back to waiting tables. At least then I could spit in the food of the people that pissed me off. 3:47 PM | allison | # | Monday, August 9 Today, my brother turns twenty-one. I'm still in a little bit of shock about it - not because he's officially legal now, but because it means that I'm already way past twenty-one and it kind of makes me wonder what happened to the last five years of my life. I remember the night he was born; my dad came home late and stuck his head into my bedroom. "You have a little brother," he said. I'm fairly certain my reply was a sleepy "Ok" and a roll to the other side of the bed. I wasn't old enough to realize what huge impact this addition would have on our family. The day he came home from the hospital, I was the first one to hold him. I remember being scared because he was so small and in my five-year old arms, heavy. But he smelled like all babies do: milk and baby powder. A distinctive babies-only smell. We posed for a picture and then it happened; he smiled at me. And I fell head over heels in love with the small bundle in my arms. I've loved him every day of my life since. We spent countless hours playing with legos and building forts in the guest room with our red and yellow polliwogs. We skinned our knees together riding our bikes down the hill in the summertime and played in the snow during the winter until we thought our toes had fallen off. He went to my softball games and I went to his baseball games. We spent countless hours watching Clue and Three Amigos over and over again. We fell asleep next to each other during the long car rides on our family vacations. Through these twenty-one years, he's become an amazing person. An amazing human being. He's got our mom's fierce loyalty and our dad's penchant for seeing the big picture. He's kind and affectionate and caring. He sings in the shower and knows when you need a refill on your drink. His wit is fast and sharp and his mouth even faster. He's the only one who can always make me laugh, no matter what. He plays multiple instruments and can compose in his head. He's quiet when he's angry and very vocal when he's happy. He smiles with his eyes and is gentle with his touch. He remembers birthdays and anniversaries and special days. He's smart and aware and active. He's makes decisions and stands by them, despite what other people think. He's brave and courageous and will be one of the lucky people that makes a career of doing what they love. He sleeps like the dead and lives a life so full it makes me tired just thinking about it. He isn't just my brother. He is my friend. Happy Birthday, cutie. I love you. 9:05 AM | allison | # | Thursday, August 5 I'm not usually one to rant and rave about politics and the like. But seriously people. Has it really come to this? Some Democrats who signed up to hear Vice President Dick Cheney speak here When I first heard this story, I thought for sure it was a joke. I mostly thought that because I saw it on The Daily Show. But its true. And unfuckingbelivable. Get informed and exercise your right. 9:02 AM | allison | # | Sunday, August 1 The guy in this picture just played in his first gig with his band yesterday. I wasn't in attendence, but I've heard great things. Seriously. GREAT things. He's going places. And I'm super proud of him. 
Thanks for the pictures, R! 5:32 PM | allison | # | I found that tape. It's Eric Nagler. But the song I was looking for wasn't on the tape. And then I remembered the other tape that I used to listen to over and over again. Baby Beluga in the deep blue sea. So, I'm thinking maybe the song I'm looking for is by Raffi. Who knew? 5:15 PM | allison | # | |
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