2nd Star to the Right :: Neverland. I think I want to live there.

I just returned to my desk. I've spent the last hour or so in my manager's office; apparently, I'm "the cancer of this team" and my attitude needs a little bit of an adjustment. His words, not mine.

I've been asked to apologize to a co-worker and call another employee in our Dallas location to pick up a ball that was dropped by them.

I'll be the first to admit, my attitude could use a little improvement. Especially during the hours of 8:00 AM and 5:00 PM. But what I don't think my manager understands is how hard it is to have a happy attitude, hell, even a decent attitude, when the place I spend most of my waking hours is slowly killing me.

Literally killing me. I've never been more depressed, more unhappy or more convinced that this place occupies a space in the Seventh Ring of Hell.

For now, I think this means keeping quiet and to myself. Keeping my nose clean and to the grindstone and all that.

It also means that the new job search is being forced into over-drive. At this point, I'll do just about anything.

10:19 AM | allison | # |

The words aren't coming. Again. The inability to express myself is extremely frustrating.

I'm having a hard time getting my head and my heart to communicate.

There is a dog in the office today.

8:39 AM | allison | # |

I'm exhausted. Emotionally exhausted. This past week has been a up and down and up and down. The ride, for the most part, has been good. When I was up, I was really up. But when I was down, it was hard to pull myself out the funk again. New people and exciting opportunities are taking their toll.

I've been lucky to have a good friend help me through this past week; she's been my rock and sounding board. I've trusted her when I haven't been able to trust myself.

Tomorrow, I'm leaving for Dallas. Work, such as it is, beckons. More than anything, I want to stay home and work things out, in my head and then in person. The distance will make that hard and probably leave me feeling even more unsure than I already do.

I want to believe that things will work out. I really do. More than anything, I want them to work out. But that nagging voice in my head won't quiet down and stop telling me that the things I've done and the things I've said aren't enough.

I'm amazed that I let the self-doubting voice in my head get to me like this. I always know what to do and what to say. For some reason, however, right now its easier to believe the bad stuff.

8:47 PM | allison | # |

The knot in my stomach comes and goes. When I'm focused on work and not over-thinking, I'm ok. When I let my mind wander, the thought of food is overwhelming enough to make me nauseas. But thanks to multiple pep-talks from a friend, I've taken the first step in getting rid of the knot.

I rode the train to work alone this morning. My friend received some un-nerving news late yesterday afternoon and is taking some time to be with her family. I look forward to riding the train because there is a cute conductor who always smiles and says hello and remarks about the days I don't ride the train. He wasn't there this morning. In fact, it seems the whole crew has been replaced and I didn't see any of the normal conductors.

My walk to work from the train station to my building is about a block and a half. On my little stroll this morning, I passed a woman sitting on the sidewalk. She had a little cup of change and was shaking it at other people as they walked by. I, however, was not as fortunate. As I neared, she stopped shaking her cup of change. When I was right in front of her, she lowered the cup, looked up at me and whispered, "killer." It was a great way to start my day, especially since I was feeling all cute in my new pink shirt and having a good hair day. I so don't look like a killer today.

We just finished one show on Sunday and I've got rehearsals for another starting tomorrow. I think after this one, I'm going to take a little break from theatre for a while.

A job that I'd be really good at opened up at work the other day. I want to apply, but I'm a little hesitant because I'm not happy with the company as a whole right now. Decisions, decisions.

9:27 AM | allison | # |

The shows are over. It's both a relief and a letdown. I now have my life back. I'm not sure what that means yet. Or that I want it to return to normal. In the past, routine has always been very comforting. At the moment, it doesn't look as inviting as it used to.

A new person in my life is both exciting and scary. There's so much I want to say but I don't have enough words to say it all. It makes my stomach rumbly and my hands shake. I hope that's a good thing.

Also:
You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? That idea of home is gone. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place. -Garden State

This part of the movie made me cry.

5:48 PM | allison | # |

I’ve had a lot to say this week, but not enough or energy time to say it. We lost and gained another member of the cast. I had a run-in with a stranger Tuesday morning that has made me smile every time I think about it. All the driving I’ve been doing to and from rehearsal has given me a lot of time to think. I don’t have a plan for the future quite yet, but I’m getting there. And that helps.

I’ve also been thinking a lot about letting go. People and things, stages of my life. Starting new things, being with new people. I feel like I’m on the cusp of a huge change. Mostly, I've been thinking about letting people go; not hanging on because I think I should.

It certainly feels like a lot more than it looks like written down. I'll be honest, there are some things I'm keeping to myself. And there are reasons for that. Perhaps, when the time is right and feelings and hearts have healed, I'll be more willing to talk about it.

I'm going to be quiet for a while. Not just because of the letting go, but because I'll be super-busy for the next week or so. The busy will help the letting go a little easier, not giving me time to over-think what is being said and done. The letting go, however, will help my heart.

8:11 AM | allison | # |