2nd Star to the Right :: Neverland. I think I want to live there.

We don't need to symbolize or construct a villian. Life is enough of a battle. - King Vidor

Life is a battle indeed.

8:38 AM | allison | # |

Once in a while, I’ll connect with a song. Really and truly connect. Somehow the lyrics and the melody touch me in a way I didn’t know was possible. It usually takes me by surprise and knocks me on my ass. After that, every time I hear it on the radio or over the speaker system in a store or at a baseball game, I’m transported back to that time and place when I first heard it and meant something to me. I’m back in that place with all the joy or hurt, or whatever that piece of music made me feel.

You were everything, everything that I wanted.
We were meant to be, supposed
to be, but we lost it.
All of the memories, so close to me, just fade away.
All this time you were pretending, so much for my happy ending.

Before I stopped to actually listen to what she was saying and not screaming, I wasn’t much of a fan. But that small paragraph, the small grouping of word seemed to say exactly what I couldn’t get out myself.

And now, every time I hear that song, I remember. I remember the hurt and the disappointment and the nights I cried myself to sleep. The remembering doesn’t stop the hurt, but it gets a little easier every day.

I’m feeling a lot better, about myself and other things. Sometime it takes a while for pride to spring back and the heart to feel less trampled on.

I’m getting there.

11:31 AM | allison | # |

Sometimes I need room. Not physical space, but that does help. I crave it. More than I crave sunshine and chocolate and good books.

We opened The Odd Couple this weekend and the shows went very well. I love the feeling I get when I step on stage; laughter is probably my favorite sound in the world. I love the cast and the crowds and the friends that came to watch. I love the late dinners with the cast and the extended crew. I love going to incredible shows that remind me how vital friendship is to living a full life.

But at the end of the night and the end of a what was a long, exhausting week, I need some room. It's overwhelming for me. All the sounds and the lights and the people. All the conversations and the laughter. All of the "I need." and the "Will you?" and the "You decide."

It's so overwhelming.

I need some room to not talk to anyone, to watch lots of television and listen to good music. I need room to silence my cell phone and not answer any text messages.

I need to not do anything for anyone but me, at least for a few hours.

10:42 PM | allison | # |

The night I was born, my dad got lost on the way home. I love hearing my mom tell that story. Not because it embodies everything that my dad is, but because it reminds me of how much he loves me. He was so excited and so focused on this little person that he helped bring into the world that he couldn't find his way home. I'll always love him for that.

When I was little, I would lie on his chest on the floor or the couch in the heat of summer, both of us dosing. I could hear his heart beating and would try to match my breathing to his.

At bedtime, instead of being read to, he would come in and tell me stories. I heard about summer camp and capture the flag games that lasted late into the night. I heard about canoeing in the boundary waters of Minnesota.

I heard and sincerely believed stories about Peter Pan and Never Never Land and never growing up.

The night before my brother came home from the hospital, we spent the evening on the floor of my bedroom cutting with safety scissors and taping all the letters to kite string. My mom still has the banners we made.

When I was old enough, we took trips to Great America. It was just me and daddy. We'd stop at the bakery for fresh doughnuts and sing silly songs all the way there. I got to choose the rides and the games. I got to have balloons and eat as much cotton candy as I wanted. And I was rarely awake for the entire trip home.

He was the one who ran behind me as I tried out my bike sans training wheels for the first time. He was also the first one at my side when I rode head first into the neighbor's mailbox on that first ride. He taught me how to throw a softball, a frisbee and the finer art of Exploding Apples in the Rain.

He was the one who didn't pump the imaginary brakes when I was learning to drive and made me do doughnuts in the parking lot of the highschool.

He was hard on me about my grades. He taught me to work hard and long and play longer and harder. He was the one who didn't want me to quit my telemarketing job in college.

Every year, we go back to my college for a football or basketball game. We listen to NPR and talk politics and current events and life. We eat at a small jazz club tucked away into the corner of a strip mall. And we enjoy each other's company.

He's got beautiful blue eyes. It's one of the few physical characteristics I inherited from him. As he ages and his skin and hair get a little lighter, his eyes don't seem to change at all. The still sparkle when he's made you laugh and get a little darker when he's angry or frustrated. They truly are the window to his soul.

Today is his birthday. He always has been and always will be Daddy.

9:46 AM | allison | # |

Someone who works in my office building wears the same cologne he does. His scent is in the halls and in the elevator.

Alanis' irony aside, Naked Eyes' Always Something There to Remind Me just came on the radio.

3:18 PM | allison | # |

I fell too fast. I'm not sure if its because its been a while since I've been with someone or if its a genuine, instant connection. Most likely, its a little of both.

I'm grateful for the distraction of the show. We open on Friday. The roundtrips are full of loud music and open windows to keep me from thinking too much. That's the easy part. The hard part is walking in to a quiet, empty apartment and knowing the phone won't ring.

I'll stop talking about it soon, but I'm still feeling a little raw.

9:26 AM | allison | # |

A night out with good people, live music and a couple of drinks is a good remedy for a case of the blahs.

Later today, I'm going to watch a couple of friends go curling for the first time.

There will be pictures. Oh, yes, there will be pictures.

10:03 AM | allison | # |

Sometimes you get a gift when you least expect it.

To: All Employees
From: Disaster Recovery
Subject: Chicago II & III

Chicago Sales Offices II and III are closed due to a water main
break.

In case you need me, I'll be "working from home" the rest of the afternoon.

3:28 PM | allison | # |

With apologies...Free at last! Free at last! Thank the Powers That Be, she's free at last!

Also, and this is totally unrelated, I heart Smile. I love Mrs. O'Leary's Cow and Roll Plymouth Rock and Song for Children. The whole. album. rocks.

11:34 AM | allison | # |

This morning on the way home from stock club, I saw an H2 with a Domino's Delivery sign on it. It made me wonder if the kid was trying to make a car payment delivering pies. And wondering if delivering pizzas really pays that well.

Doogie is playing the killer on L&O: CI tonight. I don't think he'll ever outgrow that label. Also, I think Crossing Jordan is a dumb show.

This afternoon our director reminded everyone that we're supposed to be off book tomorrow. We just laughed.

I can be changed by what happens to me. I refuse to be reduced by it. - Maya Angelou. Thank you, mom.

Have you heard Smile yet? If not, you should. Brian Wilson may be crazy, but he's also a genius.

Mizzou won. Dallas lost. Eh. I'm batting .500, right?

8:34 PM | allison | # |

It's rainy and cool today. The kind that makes you want to turn off the alarm and curl back up under the blankets.

The sound of a popping open a Diet Coke is one of my favorite sounds in the morning.

When my boss gets frustrated during meetings, he chews on his mustache. It makes a really icky sound.

This incredible lady is going to be a Trivial Pursuit question someday. Say it with me: Wangari Maathai. Mark my words. She'll be there.

Speaking of Trivial Pursuit, have you seen the commercials for the 90's version? I giggle every time I see Cato climbing up out of that time capsule.

I had a weird dream last night where I worked in Detroit and commuted from Chicago every day. I had to get up at 3 AM in order to make it to work on time.

We're celebrating National Demin Day, in support of the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation.

Sometimes it amazes me how resiliant the heart is. I guess there really isn't any other alternative. What's that line from Shawshank? "Get busy living, or get busy dying."

8:33 AM | allison | # |

Life has been a bit of a grind lately. Up and down and all around. I've been lucky enough to be surrounded by people that love me, despite my moods and hard to deal with case of the blahs. I've slowly been working my way out of it. The blahs, I mean.

Reasons not to feel Blah:

My new yoga class is awesome. I always leave feeling bendy, energized and centered.
I'm getting new bedroom furniture.
A shopping trip this past weekend left me with a little less in my checking account, but with a lot more in my closet.
Curtain goes up for another show in about three weeks. I need to be off book by Monday.
The job hunt has begun in earnest and that gives me hope.
I'm having a really good hair day.
My trip to Vegas is less than three months away.

8:29 AM | allison | # |

Last night I found out some things I didn't want to know. Mostly about a person I really like. Liked. Thought was exciting.

I spent the night at a friend's house. She took care of me when I needed it and I don't know how to thank her.

I'm done being angry. I've moved past sad too. Mostly, I'm just disappointed.

10:43 AM | allison | # |

First of all, supportive friends and family are the bestest thing in the entire world.

Second, self-medicating with alcohol may not have been the best solution to my problems, but it certainly didn't hurt. Especially since the company was fabulous, the music was good and the food decent.

Third, trying not to let your eyes cross because you came into work a bit hungover when your boss is talking to you is harder than it sounds.

8:20 AM | allison | # |