2nd Star to the Right :: Neverland. I think I want to live there.

I saw Stealth this afternoon. I don't really remember much about the plot. It was that good.

But watching Josh Lucas for two hours was worth my $6.50. Yum.

Anyone who was on Parker Lewis Can't Lose is a good guy in my book. And guess who just re-ordered her Netflix queue for a Josh Lucas-athon?

8:26 PM | allison | # |

The tough love wasn't nearly as tough as I had thought it would be. It did involve me making a promise that I didn't want to make, but I guess that's why its called tough love, right?

Also, I didn't burn dinner. Much.

Also, I discovered that my mom is human. I mean, of course she's human. But I mean it in much less literal sense. She's always been MOM. Strong, supportive, fair, honest, even-keeled MOM. But she hurts too. She gets sad and angry. And she needs help sometimes too.

I think the hardest part of last night was starting to work through the stigma that is often attached to seeking this kind of help. I haven't had a life alterating event; there isn't a huge history of illness in the family; I've always been able to pull myself out of these funks before.

But for some reason, this one is different. It's lasted longer, become physically painful and is slowly consuming me. Part of it, I'm sure, is my work situation. But it's not the only thing. I worry. About my family and my friends. About paying the bills. About my car breaking down or the tires going flat at 70 miles an hour. I worry about disappointing people and what others think about me. I worry that I'm never going to find someone to share my life with and I worry that I hurt someone and am not able to go back and fix things.

I know that I can't control all these things and worrying about them is a waste of time. Try telling my brain that at 2:00 a.m.

At this point, the worrying is not a switch I can flip on and off by myself. Maybe I won't be able to turn off the worrying all together. I don't know. And the not knowing is killing me.

But here's to finding out.

9:44 AM | allison | # |

I’m having dinner with my mom tonight. I’m not one hundred percent positive, but I have a feeling I’m going to find out exactly what tough love means.

8:23 AM | allison | # |

Sometimes life hurts so much it's too much to bear.

11:56 PM | allison | # |

Today is my mom’s birthday. She’s closer now to 60 than to 50, but you probably wouldn’t be able to tell if I hadn’t told you. When she smiles, her eyes light up and she is so generous with her kindness that it makes me wish I could be even more like her.

Karen Ravn wrote something that reminds me of her each time I read it:

Whenever I think of the friends who have made a real difference in my life,
I think of the one I can talk to, really open my heart to, because she understands me…

And I think of the friend I have fun with, just
doing whatever, whenever, because it feels so good being together…

I think of the friend I can count on, the one that I turn
to so often, because I know she’ll never let me down…

And I think of the friend who inspires me, who always can keep me believing in me because she does…

And I think of how lucky, how blessed I have been to have her in my life –
my mother, my friend.

8:55 AM | allison | # |

How do you apologize to a friend for your crankiness when your crankiness is due to the fact that it takes every ounce of your will to make yourself get up and out of bed every morning. Every shred of power you have to not hurt yourself on purpose so you can call in to work because you’re injured. Would that count as workers’ comp? Injury yourself for the job, instead of on the job? I should be so lucky.

I'm sorry.

I can’t leave because there are bills to pay. Rent. Car insurance. Phone. Electricity. I can’t live without the health coverage. Damn thyroid. Damn asthma.

I can’t stay because I wake up with headaches, nausea and an overwhelming need to come up with an excuse so I don’t have to go.

I wish I had the will to just let go of it all. But I'm a wimp.

When did it get this bad? Or has it always been this bad and I’ve just been in denial for the last eighteen months?

What’s the problem? I’m bored.

I’m pretty sure my manager is just a puppet.

There are no challenges.

You can’t open every fucking document in Microsoft Word, bitch.

Please, can I sit in this frozen wasteland, in my four-by-four space a little bit longer today?

I keep waiting to hear my company’s name on the news; Name Omitted: The next Enron.

Figures. Snarky bastards.

8:49 AM | allison | # |

Taste of Westmont July 2005.

I fucking love summer. LOVE it.

10:46 PM | allison | # |

When I was little, there was nothing a hug from my mom couldn't fix.

Now, at 27 and after my craptastic first day back at work, I found out that a hug from my mom still makes things better.

9:19 PM | allison | # |

Summer of George II - sunburned and happy

It's too bad about having to go back to the office tomorrow. I was really enjoying this not working thing. A lot.

7:55 PM | allison | # |