2nd Star to the Right :: Neverland. I think I want to live there.

There was a Thanksgiving post, but it apparently got eaten. I guess I wasn’t the only insatiably hungry one this holiday.

Also, welcome back from your Thanksgiving holiday, indeed:

From: Performance Appraisal
To: Allison
Date: 11/28/2005
Subject: Performance Appraisal Process Open for Allison

The 2005 Performance Appraisal cycle has started. Please complete your assessment and submit it to your manager not later then 12/14/05.

Ladies and gentlemen, let the good times roll. This should be a good one.

9:13 AM | allison | # |

These are the kinds of days that we are meant to stay in bed to read or watch tv and relax and forget about everything that makes you hurt, and only get up to refill the mugs of hot chocolate.

I secretly thought maybe I'd be ok without the anti-depressant despite my acknowledgement that I may need it. The doc and I haven't really discussed it much the past couple of visits. She said I seemed less depressed.

Maybe I'm just a good faker.

Today, every little thing makes me want to throw the towel in and let the water works begin. The "I'm the important one" mentality, or the stupid questions, or the yelling into your cell phone about three feet from my head.

Outside of my job, I can't really find any triggers that make me feel this bad.

Unfortunately, the job hunt is not going well. Despite the help of friends, I find that I'm overqualified for the jobs I don't want and underqualified for the ones I do. With the asthma and the thyroid and now the craziness, I can't afford a cut in pay or benefits.

These things make me feel helpless and out of control and unable to change the direction of my life.

Does it ever get easier?

**update at 4:33 p.m.**

Apparently not. Conference calls suck.

11:57 AM | allison | # |

On January 1, 2001, I began a journey* to a healthier lifestyle.

That morning, I stepped on the scale in my bathroom and weighed in at a whopping 196 pounds. I'm four feet, ten inches tall. And I weighed 196 pounds.

This morning, I stepped on the scale in my bathroom and weighed in at 110 pounds.

It still has yet to sink in that I've lost nearly 90 pounds. Don't get me wrong - it's great. I can buy more fashionable clothes and the compliments feel good, but I'm still having trouble feeling comfortable in this new, smaller version of me.

This new me unintentionally solicits more attention than I had when I carried more weight. I was so used to being invisible, that being noticed is a little disconcerning.

The changing my eating habits, the way I look at food, and making exercise a part of my daily life - all of that was hard to do. But of all the changes, fitting into my new skin seems to the hardest one for me to work through.

I don't often talk about my weight here. It's very personal and sometimes devestating in the ways it impacts a life. But I felt it necessary to express this part of the struggle.

I'm within seven pounds of my goal (103) and it scares me a little. That will be the end of the long journey to lose and the very beginning of the journey to stay healthy.

* see the journey here

10:46 AM | allison | # |

Hey. Remember this? It's back. The bronchitis, not the New Beau.

Because, for serious, the New Beau could really ruin my weekend.

1:32 PM | allison | # |