2nd Star to the Right :: Neverland. I think I want to live there.

That Dr. Seuss was a smart, smart guy.

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

Indeed.

2:26 PM | allison | # |

Sometimes hope will keep you afloat. Sometimes though, it breaks your heart.

5:59 PM | allison | # |

Oh, happy day!

Christiane and David's wedding, October 22, 2005.

9:00 AM | allison | # |

This crazy neighbor thing is pretty cool. I don't speak Spanish, but I'm thinking this translates to "Jesus is my co-pilot."

What do you think?

7:35 PM | allison | # |

Things that have come out of my mouth already this morning:

When told I need to train a co-worker who is two grade levels and pay scales above me, “If we're going to be doing the same thing, why is she getting paid more than me? That’s for crap.”

In the break room while pouring his coffee a co-worker asked how I was this morning. My reply: “Well, I’m at work. So, pretty crappy. But thanks for asking."

Upon seeing the decorated cube of a co-worker, “Oh yeah. Happy Birthday.”

Asked why I wasn’t in the meeting going on in the conference room earlier this morning I said, “Oh. I didn't get invited. Must be more work for me that I wasn’t told about. Again.”

I think these are all fine examples of why I should go home.

Immediately.

9:39 AM | allison | # |

I’m overwhelmed today. With the decisions that need to be made, with the quiet at work, with the call that needs to be made, with the support I’m receiving from those around me.

When I was younger and dreamed of being an adult, I never considered the possibility that I wouldn’t be able to handle it.

I guess at eight or nine when you’re playing “grown up” you don’t know about the bills and the friends and the family and the work and the commitments and the needs and the wants that develop as you grow older.

Sometimes, I miss that simplicity and the eagerness for the unknown. There is still room for looking forward to the unknown, I know. Trust me, I know.

But the older I get, the more I feel that there is less unknown each time the day ends.

12:03 PM | allison | # |

It’s eerily quiet in the office today. Most of my co-workers are working out of the downtown office and the ones that are here are holed up in the conference room. So I’ve pretty much got the run of the place to myself.

It’s amazing how much work I get done when left to my own devices. Despite being pulled into the conference room to help out on a few occasions already, I’ve accomplished nearly everything on my to-do list. I had to stop myself to save something to do this afternoon.

It feels good to actually get something done. I had a lot of trouble accomplishing even the smallest tasks this past week and weekend.

It’s part of the depression.

At least that’s what the doc says. It’s knowing I have shit to do and the inability to drag my sorry ass off the couch to do it. Simple things like washing the dishes or putting my shoes away so I don’t trip over them every time I get up to go to the bathroom. It's the every day stuff that becomes unbearable.

I’m still on the fence about the anti-depressants. The doc said she could refer me to someone or I could see my GP about a prescription. I’ve sought the counsel of family and friends. They are unanimous in their opinion: give it a shot. If it works, great. If it doesn't, explore other options.

I just never in my wildest dreams thought I’d need a pill to feel like myself.

12:57 PM | allison | # |

The doc wants me to consider an anti-depressant.

That’s pretty much all I can think about right now. In a way, I feel like I did right after I made my very first appointment. Ok. All right. I need some help.

This funk isn’t going to just go away.

And now, the therapy alone isn’t enough. We’ve pretty much nailed down that my stress and anxiety stems from my job and I’m doing everything in power to change my work situation. I’m practicing breathing exercises and working on ways to isolate my anger while I’m at work.

But the crying hasn’t stopped. And the not sleeping hasn’t stopped either.

I already admitted defeat once. Why do I have to do it again?

9:50 AM | allison | # |

Today has become one of those days where a lot of stuff is happening and has made me unfocused enough that I'm unable to string together coherent paragraphs. Instead, two lists.

Things that suck:

My brother lost his job. And he's bummed. Which means I'm bummed too.
My job continues suck the lifeforce out of me. It's the cause of the crazy*, remember?
I think I got over-charged on the tent rental for my folks' anniversary party. I'm going to have call those folks and raise some hell. And I'm really just not in the mood.

Things that don't suck:

Muppet stamps.
Friends that listen. And make you laugh. And make the crazy a little easier to deal with.
My cousin's birthday is today. She can blow a horn with her nose.
Indian summer weather. In OCTOBER.
Also, this picture. I love that guy more than he'll ever know.

* I am actually beginning to think that the crazy is coming from one co-worker in particular. I'm pretty sure I'm going to inflict bodily harm upon her sometime soon.

P.S. Those of you close to me have been given my PIN number in case the need arises to secure bail money for me. Thank you for your cooperation in this matter.

1:04 PM | allison | # |